


Riff-Trax

by scratches



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Brock Redemption, F/M, MST3K References, space mutiny, triple agent Brock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22783549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scratches/pseuds/scratches
Summary: Darcy loves to use the many names of Dave Ryder for Brock Rumlow. Big McLargehuge eventually strikes back.
Relationships: Darcy Lewis/Brock Rumlow, Jane Foster/Jack Rollins
Comments: 13
Kudos: 145





	Riff-Trax

**Author's Note:**

> as always i don't own these characters, i don't own space mutiny, i don't own the names from the riff trax.  
> also not beta'd and way too much talking per usual... I also have been wanting to use the name Brick Rimjob in a fic for....like two years so I have finally done it  
> thanks for reading

The office chair that held Darcy spun around and around as she tossed her pink and blue Koosh-ball into the air. The newly released Dunkaroos sat on her desk, open and half eaten before numbers had been spat across her computer screen. It was four hours later, numbers had been collated, spreadsheets had been updated, and now she waited for the next set of numbers. If she had to guess, it would be another hour or two before Jane would send the next info dump her way. 

“You’re making me nauseous.” Darcy’s security detail said.

Darcy caught the Koosh again and side eyed him as she spun around a few more times. “I’m not here to make you comfortable, Buff Hardback.” His face was stoney. Darcy didn’t know why she wasted all of her good material on him. She rolled her eyes as she slammed her feet onto the ground. “Slate Slabrock, you don’t want to be here, I don’t want you here, we are currently in the heaviest guarded Avengers facility in the world. Just go, I’ll be fine.”

His brow quirked, “You really think you can get rid of me that easy?” He crossed his arms across his chest and leaned against the door frame. “Watching you wait for Jane, on the other side of the universe no less, to send you astronomical data is riveting, it is exactly what ten years of being a Navy Seal and twenty years of elite training under SHIELD has prepared me to do.”

“Yeah, Stump Chunkmeat, I know all about your SHIELD days.” Darcy threw her Koosh at his groin. “Unlike half of the people I know,” she dramatically paused and watched as he caught the ball, “I wasn’t dusted, and I had to lay low for five years with a pantsless Erik while we searched for all of you idiots in the cosmos.” She grabbed her Dunkaroos and stuffed an undunked cookie into her mouth, and just because she knew it drove him crazy, Darcy opened her mouth to talk through the cookie, “And I don’t do Hard Science-science. I do Political Science-science. I have the entirety of Natasha’s info dump on multiple hard drives and I was able to go through a good portion of it while machines were calibrating.” She swallowed her cookie. “Did you know that Cap only wore a size ten shoe?” She looked down at his boot covered feet, “Unlike you, Mr. Size Eleven.” Darcy cackled. “Also did you know Clint and Natasha switched bodies once. I wonder if that is what happened in Budapest. I couldn’t find anything about their op in Budapest, Blast Thickneck.”

His arms crossed back against his chest. “You read hundreds of terabytes of information, and you focus on our shoe sizes?”

Darcy shrugged, “I mean, I could go into the political issues around how the government has trained and equipped multiple factions across the globe to overthrow budding democracies because of how greedy politicians are, but I won’t, I’d rather tell you stats about the 2012 STRIKE team and how none of your team could last against Natasha for more than seven minutes.” He bristled against the wall. “But you only had it make it five minutes against her….but twelve against you... to become an Elite agent.” She chewed another cookie. “Maria Hill kicked your ass.” Darcy leaned back in her chair and laughed. “I saw the footage.”

“Maria is one of the most skilled agents in SHIELD. There is a reason she is Fury’s right hand woman.” He leveled his gaze on her. “I saw the aftermath of her taking out my own team in D.C., so maybe you should shut your trap about things you have no field training to even talk about.”

Darcy was excited, she was riling him up. “Alright, Lump Beefbroth, but I know why you’re on this assignment.”

“Do you?”

“They want to recruit me for psychological torture. It was in my file. They want to _test_ you to see if you’d make it in the field.” She shrugged. “I can wrangle Avengers and scientists and Wakandan royalty with my skills.”

“Is that why you’re riffing me?” 

Darcy’s eyes went wide, “Beef Blastboy! What do you know about riffing!”

She watched as he adjusted against the door frame. “Just waiting for you to call me Big McLargehuge.” His smirk should not have been as attractive as it was. 

“I would _never_ call you Big McLargehuge.” She laughed gaily, “That has certain connotations and would mean that I read your _whole_ SHIELD file, Lunk Drywall.”

“Lunk Drywall wasn’t an original riff, Darcy.” He looked smug.

“Oh shit, dude. You were fucking dusted.” She turned towards her computer and started to clack quickly across the keys. “They re-riffed Space Mutiny, Reef Blastbody.” She shook her arm in his general direction, “They live riff-traxed it. You are in for a fucking treat, you nerd.”

~~~~

Jane was back on Earth with Mjolnir at her side and didn’t understand what she was seeing. Darcy was running across the lawn of the facility chasing a man dressed head to toe in SHIELD tactical gear yelling, “Hey! Hey Brick Rimjob!” 

The man stopped abruptly and turned to face her. He said something that was not at Darcy’s decibel before she launched herself into his arms and he wrapped them around her. “Jane!” Darcy waved over her own shoulder and yelled, “Smoke Manmuscle is back!” 

Jane grabbed her hammer and moved towards them, her hair and silk cape floating behind her. It couldn’t be the man Darcy has transferred because of a personality clash. Currently, their personalities didn’t look like they were clashing. The very opposite in fact. 

“I remember you,” Jane started and narrowed her eyes as she stood in front of them, “Dirk Hardpec.” She looked down at Darcy and asked, “Is Trunk Slamchest around?” They had named the jack-booted thugs with names from Space Mutiny everytime they encountered the agents. 

Darcy poked at Brock, if Jane remembered the rambling e-mail Darcy had sent while Jane was saving the Nine Realms with Odinson. “She means Jack.” Laughing Darcy moved to Jane and hugged her too. “He’s around somewhere, there was no sexual tension between him and I so they let him stay as my security while you were gone.”

“She didn’t quote body statistics of agents at him.” Brock said as if that cleared up any of Jane’s confusion. 

Looking cooly at the man Jane simply says, “She only does that to agents she likes. It's one of the reasons why Wilson and Barnes refuse to join SHIELD.”

“I _really _like Big McLargehuge here.” Darcy held both of them together with her arms around their necks before she ruffled their hair.__

__“ _Darcy!_ ” Jane remembered that Big McLargehuge was one of their code words for absolutely ridiculously fit men that sleeping with was on the horizon. Odinson was a Big McLargehuge before he was a Buff Drinklots. _ _

__~~~_ _

__Darcy and Brock sat at one of the outside picnic tables and watched as Jack Rollins left the building. They had a feeling that Jane, in all her Thor regalia, thought that Jack was a Big McLargehuge and not a Dirk Hardpec. Darcy took a bite of her sandwich before looking on top of the building to where Jane was standing, the sun behind her. “Oh, I wonder if she is going to do the jump off the building trick.”_ _

__Brock swallowed the chicken he was eating and listened for the telltale woosh of the hammer spinning to gain momentum. “Jack doesn’t startle easily.”_ _

__“Welp, there she goes.” Brock kept his eye on Jack as he heard Mjolnir spinning above him. There was suddenly a red figure flying across the grounds before she calmly started striding next to Jack. “She does that so much more elegantly than Thor ever did.” She took another bite. Brock cut some pieces of his chicken and broccoli. “Thor always smashed around.” Darcy rolled her eyes._ _

__He pointed to his fork as Jane and Jack walked around the corner of the building and disappeared. “He won’t train in the gym at the same time as her, thinks he will be a disappointment.”_ _

__Darcy’s eyebrows lifted, “Well, she’s really disappointed because she never gets to see him in tank tops, only in the creeper pictures I take when I interrupt you guys.” She poked Brock in the chest, “ Tell him to stop being a Blast Hardcheese.”_ _

__“You’re never going to let the riffs die.”_ _

__“Nope.” She popped the “p” and laughed before leaning into his side. “You let me riff on you for two weeks before you let on you knew what was up.”_ _

__He smiled and put his arm around her shoulders, “You were having fun.” The last bite of his food was chewed. “Plus, if I had stopped you, I wouldn’t have got all that blackmail on Barton or Scott Lang.”_ _

__~~~_ _

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a youtube link to the whole awesome (terrible) movie so you can be in on the joke too.
> 
> https://youtu.be/sa42pxJyq64


End file.
